wotd: titubation

titubation \tich-oo-bey-shuhn\, noun:

1. A disturbance of body equilibrium in standing or walking, resulting in an uncertain gait and trembling.

I feel a great titubation in The Force, as of a massive shifting of tangential inparticulate matter. My Universe has come unhinged, affecting me in a hugely vague, antiperspicuous manner. Today's most oft-muttered word is "Geh." The fuck?

Something big is fixin' to happen. I'm not sleeping well. I have no appetite. I feel like my blood is carbonated, fizzing through my body with a strangely electric charge. I'm envigorated---maybe even manic?---full of potential.

Realize.

40 observations on the eve before my 40th birthday

Indulge me! In no particular order:

1. I love making pinatas. I've made a pinata for Jack's birthday for the last five years. The Death Star, a jellyfish from Spongebob, Patrick Star from Spongebob, Plankton from Spongebob, and just this year King Pig from Angry Birds. I've been commissioned by a friend to produce another Angry Birds Pig pinata for her son's birthday. I'm gonna do it.

2. Right now three of my ten fingers hurt when I type. I don't bite my nails (unless one is already broken) but I do pick and pull at my cuticles. I've developed acute paronychia, a bacterial infection, at those three finger tips. The one that hurts the most is my right thumb. Space bar hell. I've done this to myself since childhood. When I'm pulling and nipping at a hangnail, I know it's going to hurt but I go ahead and do it anyway.

3. I consider myself substantial: in body and in mind. I am robust. I have zeal. I just don't have any confidence.

4. My brain stops working after 8:00 pm. If there's productive work to be done, I better be sure to get it done in the morning. I didn't do that today. Now I'm struggling.

5. I want to sing and accompany myself on an instrument: piano, guitar, or autoharp. I never learned how to play music that way. I learned to read staff and interpret dynamics woodenly. Sometimes on the way to school I sing whatever I want with the windows down. Today I sang White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes. (I was following the pack / all swallowed in their coats / with scarves of red tied round their throats...)

6. Religious iconography calls me. I have a collection of Jesus and Mary, with a special bent toward the Sacred Heart and the Virgin of Guadalupe. I'm also drawn to crosses and religious candles. If I get creative this afternoon I'll post pictures of my collections.

7. Clutter intrigues me but I want to live austerely. My favorite thrift stores are the ones with jumbled back rooms or yards. You never know what treasures you might find there! But I don't want to drag too many treasures home: my dream is to one day have enough space or paucity of belongings to keep one room entirely empty.

8. It's ridiculous how much I love commuting by bicycle. Now that I live in a more bike-friendly part of town and Jack is sometimes with DH, I ride the 7.4 miles to work. I'm gradually outfitting my bike to make this commute friendlier: I've now got lights if it's dark but I'm hoping to outfit myself with panniers so I don't have to carry a backpack, which severely inhibits the wind's ability to dry the sweat generated on an afternoon ride home in August, when the mercury levels out at 108 degrees.

9. I haven't yet abandoned my childhood desire to become a writer but I admit the desire fades over time. Sadly writing has become one of those things I should do. I feel better balanced when I write but taking the time to do so is not priority for me.

10. A triad of ginger kitties sprawls on my living room floor. Kismet, Thor, and Chestnut lie on their sides with their front paws toward the middle of a triangle formed by the points of their back paws. It didn't last long, because the boys are still playful, but it was worth noting while it lasted.

11. Today while sitting in the drive thru at McDonald's procuring a snack for Jack (a reward because he ate a stalk of celery, a carrot, and a radish. I know. So inappropriate) a woman walked by the car on the sidewalk beside us. She peered in through Jack's window. I looked levelly at her, a bit curious, as I jawed my own stalk of celery. She looked somewhat careworn and bedraggled. I did not expect her to say to me, "Yep. Just like a cow chewing her cud." After uttering this observation she took a massive pull on her fountain soda and walked along. In my past I would have been devastated by such a comment, but today I realized it had less to do with me and everything to do with her and her place in this world.

12. When I talk too much the sound of my own voice makes me feel imperious. So I shut up. I've learned to just not talk as much as I once did, unless I'm with my family and close friends. They know me as I'd wish them to.

13. I don't wear makeup and haven't for a long time. I just don't see the point in covering up or enhancing what I've got. It is what it is. Last time I was at Noggins for a haircut, I told Shelley what I envisioned for my hair: "Something totally easy, wash and go. You know me. I don't want to mess with my hair. I don't even wear makeup." Shelley's in her mid twenties and cute as anything. In response she said, "Honey, did you wear makeup when you were younger?" That cracked me up. "Sometimes," I said. "But it doesn't really matter."

14. I bought an oak computer desk at Miracle Center for $10 and carried it from the car to my apartment all by myself. I am freakishly strong.

15. If I could have a superpower it would be teleportation. Then it wouldn't matter where you lived, I could come over for dinner or pop in for drinks and a round of Catchphrase or attend the Fleet Foxes/Bon Iver concert in Phoenix on Thursday without having to factor in the 4 hour round trip. I could go to estate auctions in the Midwest, run on the beach every morning, travel anywhere. It would really rock if I could share my superpower just by holding your hand.

16. If I could have any job in the world, I would hire on as a reader with Recorded Books.

17. I can't sleep without taking a shower before bed.

18. Self-reflection is not my forte. I'm better at self-criticism. Let's try a question prompting self-reflection, chosen at random: What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years? Well, that's not too hard. 1) Survive bankruptcy. 2) Survive divorce. 3) Establish a sustainable budget on my current income. OK. Let's try another, harder one: If you had to describe yourself as a child in one word, what would it be? Seriously, how do you answer a question like that? I guess I'd say compliant.

19. Jack doesn't eat fruits and vegetables and I feel it's totally my fault. I've never forced good food choices on him, and in an effort to make sure he eats I go ahead and let him eat all the garbage he wants. It's why he's an enormous child. I didn't buy organic and he drank BGH milk.

20. I can't just sit and watch a movie. I always have to be doing something else, like knitting, crocheting, or some other crafting. I love movies but feel guilty about it. When I think of how much we pay actors per film and how much we pay teachers per child, I'm horrified that I watch movies at all.

21. I drink water from the tap, sometimes hot. It tastes fine to me.

22. Forty observations is a lot to come up with.

23. When I browse a magazine or catalog I just turn the pages and barely see anything on the pages. I like to think my brain will zoom in on something of interest to it, but really I realize I'm just zoning out. It's like channel surfing magazine pages. It's a good thing I don't subscribe to any magazines and I don't get any catalogs. What magazines I do surf come from the free magazine exchange at church.

24. I don't read comic books. My brain can't integrate the action in the illustrations with the printed words. I believe its a higher brain function I haven't yet honed. Same goes for watching subtitled foreign films: I can't attend to both stimuli at the same time.

25. Can't trust myself around a bag of Cheetos, crunchy or puff. Typically I steer clear of fake food, but Cheetos and nondairy powdered creamer are two exceptions.

26. I hope to make an effort to invite more people into my home. Right now I'm severely limited spatially but hope to move to a 2 bedroom apartment in January. I'd like to host a monthly Stitch-n-Bitch and I'd like to have people over to play games or watch movies. It would be particularly nice to have a certain someone over to watch a movie in quiet companionship.

27. I used to be uncomfortable in my birthday suit, even when I was alone. Now on occasions when I'm by myself for a whole night in a tiny apartment (with window coverings) I find I take my time getting dressed after my evening shower.

28. My sister and I are really twins who were born 4 years apart. We don't vocalize in Twinspeak but we definitely know each other's thoughts. I love that.

29. I dream of living in a compound shared with my parents and my sister's family. We'd share responsibility for the children and, sadly, drive my dad crazy. We crave closeness with him but it's not in his nature.

30. The little girls at school wear tutus and sparkly cat t-shirts with knee socks and cowboy boots. I want to dress like that. But I'm 40 now.

31. The poetry of Stephen Crane intrigues me, especially

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said: "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter-bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

32. I've vowed to live more in my right mind. The right hemisphere of your brain is responsible for your in-the-moment consciousness, while your left hemisphere keeps up a constant chatter of chronology that anchors you in your timeline, thinking of past and future. I suspect my left brain doesn't work all that well because I don't have a very good memory for things that have happened, and I often struggle to articulate my dreams. So I like to think that I live mostly in my right mind anyway.

33. Using up a jar, bottle, or package of something gives me a little thrill. I like to be finished with something. This does not apply to projects. I find it much easier to start a project than to finish one.

34. In the past I've thought I prefer my solitude to the company of others, but more recently I discover that's not true. Yesterday I was running a little late to an evening appointment but on my way to the car I passed my neighbor on the end. I stopped to chat with him and his wife and I'm glad I did. They're from one of the Carolinas and I could listen to them talk forever. He's in chemo. They complimented me on Jack's comportment and told me they're flying home to see their grandbaby early next year. I admire Paul's attitude in the face of cancer. He's gracious and grateful and positive. Talking with them boosted my perspective immeasurably.

35. It's past my birthday so I didn't get this done in time but I don't think it matters because I intend to finish it anyway. I spent Saturday celebrating my birthday with women (and a man or two) who really fuel me with good energy. I had 27 people join me at Son's for my birthday lunch. It's like a switch has flipped and three days over 40 I feel more confident and comfortable in my skin. Let's see how long that lasts.

36. I'm learning to view men as humans, just like women except for a teenyweenie difference. See, for the previous 40 years I assumed all men were more like my dad. I'm beginning to realize that my dad is a human classification all his own. Really, each of us is a classification all our own but by and large men are more like women than I've acknowledged. For many years I've felt uncomfortable around men, unable to converse freely, assuming men need women only for cooking, cleaning, and fucking. I'm learning that men need women because women are valuable humans, too.

37. I thought I'd be ready to run that half marathon on November 6 but now that it's less than a month away I'm facing the reality that I will not be ready to run it. I'll be ready to walk/run it.

38. I'm more than ready for the bankruptcy and divorce to be over. We have an appointment with the bankruptcy attorney next week; we'll be filing by the end of October. I should be free and clear by this time next year. I haven't stopped living my life but the B&D follow me around like my own personal storm cloud.

39. I don't get out enough. I went to a 40th birthday party with costumes and dancing and it was a lot of fun. I want to do that again.

40. Most of the time I love to be on my own, but last night when J stayed with D but I was expecting him to stay with me, I got lonely and I couldn't sleep.

J Brought Me a Present

from a Goodwill excursion with Mama D


He knows my tastes well. It's a Jesus Christ action figure. I like how Princess Peach mimics his pose.

48 Days to the Work You Love: Chapter 12 Questions

Chapter 12: Conclusion

1. What action can you take in the next 48 hours to put you on the path for what you want to accomplish? I can eat well, sleep well, and smile. I can trust that God has a plan for my life and in due time that plan will become known to me. This year I have already made massive progress toward what I want to accomplish: independence of finance, body, and spirit.

2. What idea have you gotten while on the beach or mowing your yard that could be worth more than a lifetime of hard work? I don't get ideas so much as delightful turns of phrase. Now, if only I could discipline myself enough to sit down and create a narrative around the perfection of those words I'd be on my way to writing an eloquent work of fiction. (Or maybe I'll start that housesitting/petsitting business I thought of once when a friend asked if I knew anyone willing to stay at her wonderful Sam Hughes house for two weeks while she and her partner vacationed in Italy. If I could line up enough gigs I wouldn't even have to pay rent!)

3. Are you a creation of circumstances or a creator of circumstances? I'm a little bit of both, and I believe we all are. If you plant yourself too firmly in one camp you can't cope in the other.

4. What seeds did you plant in your mind 5 years ago that brought you to where you are today? The seeds in my mind lay dormant under a thin scale of ice for years and years. Several people have quoted Anais Nin to me as I weather these self-inflicted transitions: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." This B&D (bankruptcy and divorce) is the first step on a long road toward a life I love, not just work I love.

Do not look at circumstances or past history with regret, but simply learn from them as you create a clear plan for the future. Everyone has events that have helped to make us what and where we are. You simply must look at where you are and then create a clear plan for the future you want. That process of seeing 5 years out and clarifying what you want that to be will immediately begin to lessen the uncertainty about any current situation.

48 Days to the Work You Love: Chapter 11 Questions

Chapter 11: Skunks, Rags, and Candy Bars

1. Who has launched a successful business after being fired at a previous job? I don't know if he got fired, but Jack's Uncle Mike started a little business called NetMedic, which initially involved troubleshooting networking and other tech problems, but has grown to a major information exchange competitor in Chicagoland. Mike's company now handles all the networking for The Museum of Science and Industry (or is it the Natural History Museum? Like it matters. One of the well-known bastions of intellect, which I obviously am not). DH got fired from a job, too, but I wouldn't say he launched a successful business.

2. What unique skills do you have that may be the basis for a creative business (writing, drawing, building, analyzing, singing, driving, thinking, etc.)? I have several unique skills, it's just that none of them are well-developed nor do I have the confidence to apply them. I'm a good writer; I'm dependable. I'm great with kids. I'm great with difficult kids. I love to read aloud. What do I do with skills like that? Oh yeah! I teach preschool!

3. Do you have any ideas that would fall into the “peacemakers, storytellers, and healers” category? To quote Nathan Arizona, "That's your whole God-damn raison d'etre, ain't it?" It's what I do best: mediate disputes between four-year-olds, read a good story in an engaging fashion, and apply bandaids to owies. And I've proved I can do it on my own. Maybe I'm meant to start my own in-home care (Auntie M, you ready to make those kid-friendly bento box lunches?). Or follow Bev Bos and Lisa Murphy's leads and speak to other educators, bringing them back 'round to the values I believe we've abandoned in early childhood. Or maybe I need to sit for ideas and figure out how I can apply these skills in a different venue.

4. Can you think of an idea that would create SWISS dollars for you? SWISS dollars = Sales While I Sleep Soundly. Well, if I ever got around to restocking my etsy shop, I might earn a meager few.

5. Do you ever give yourself time to “sit for ideas”? I don't sit. I'm most uncomfortable when I sit. But I do give myself time to jog for ideas, or hike for ideas, or bike for ideas. My brain processes best when my body is engaged. Problem is, I don't ever record any of these ideas, so they don't often earn me more than a few moments' pretty diversion.

6. “Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you your heart’s desires” (Ps. 37:4). How does this apply to being content in a job you hate? Mom commented once that every task is equal in the eyes of the Lord, and she remembers that when she's wiping down the countertops for the nth time. Martin Luther King, Jr., has uttered a similar quote: "If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.” Recognize opportunity, but don't shun the work you have because it makes you unhappy.

7. How does your culture, environment, and experience perhaps limit your being able to see new opportunities? Many aspects of my life conspire right now to limit by ability to see new opportunities. I'm doing the best I can, with a pending bankruptcy and divorce. I've made a lateral move from one workplace to another, hoping the new environment will rekindle the passion I have for teaching children. That's about as much job change as I can muster while weathering these other life changes. I think you all understand. I think God does, too.

48 Days to the Work You Love: Chapter 10 Questions

Chapter 10: Do You Have What It Takes?
1. What do you think of the word entrepreneur? "If you are a typical candidate for self-employment, you may never have been clear on what you wanted to do when you grew up." (p. 150) I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. And the word entrepreneur strikes a chord of fear deep in my heart. What if I failed? (The only time I visited San Francisco I had a sudden vision of myself as a bicycle courier there. I'd live in a tiny gabled upstairs apartment and I'd ride like a maniac over those hilly streets day in and day out, delivering documents, tissue samples, money orders. At night I would collapse on a mattress on the floor and spend the evening reading by candlelight until I drifted into oblivion. I think I interpret entrepreneur through the lens of solitude.)

2. Do you have what it takes to be on your own? Yes. But I'm mortally afraid of trusting myself with conjuring my own paycheck.

3. Are you an “accidental” entrepreneur? Am I? I may have been. The summer I didn't have employment at the preschool I cared for children in my own home and earned more money than I would have had I worked at the preschool, plus I got to do household chores while the children played, leaving my off hours completely free for myself. When craft show season rolls around I make a tidy little profit selling my bottle cap creations. I could earn extra income that way but couldn't support myself and Jack.

4. What service or product could you promote? Childcare. Upcycled bottle caps.

5. What invention could you develop? Ha. That's a good one. Not an inventive bone in my body. Ask Brock.

6. What are 3 or 4 ideas you have had over the years that you have on the back burner or have since seen someone else develop? None. I don't have ideas like that. I subscribe to the adage uttered by my jaded old boss at Omegatype: "There is nothing new under the sun."

7. Describe 3 or 4 times in your own work experience when you have been paid on results or on completion of the job rather than just for putting in your time. None. Not a one. Unless you count the bottle cap stuff.

8. What would prevent you from doing something on your own? My own misgivings. Big hurdle there.

9. Is it exciting or frightening to think about being your own boss? Frightening! (but maybe a teensy bit exciting too)

48 Days to the Work You Love: Chapter 9 Questions

Chapter 9: Show Me the Money

1. Is negotiating on price uncomfortable for you? Describe 3 things for which you negotiated the purchase price. Extremely uncomfortable. I've rarely negotiated price, except to accept less than I wanted to sell something at a garage sale. I don't like to make a fuss. Negotiating price feels like making a fuss to me. Miller asserts: "But realize that negotiating salary is not a confrontational process and certainly not a win/lose proposition."

2. Have you negotiated your income in the past? Since graduating from college I've only had two "real" jobs: the first I started as an entry-level trainee, for which I did not negotiate salary because I had no background in desktop publishing and I was fresh out of college, working at a coffee shop (I loved that work but felt victimized by the predominating Old Boys' Network; passed over for management in favor of a less qualified young man). During my decade-long career I rose from entry-level trainee to satellite office manager and commanded a salary I never negotiated and for which I never felt worthy. When I left that job to work at the preschool my son attended, I started as a substitute teacher at minimum wage, within three years gaining a position as a lead teacher with subsequent salary increase, which I did not negotiate. In fact, I didn't want to be lead teacher. I just accepted what they paid me.
My current work as an early childhood educator garners woeful compensation and meager prestige. But I like it. When it became apparent that my abilities fit well with the philosophy at SSCS, the directors there quoted me a salary range. When I told them there was no way I could work at the lower end, they looked over their budget and managed to find ways to pay me at the upper end. I don't feel like this was negotiating, but maybe it was. It was simple fact. I couldn't manage to pay rent, utilities, and buy food if I didn't earn a wage at the upper end of the spectrum they quoted me. And they wanted me bad enough to figure out a way to do it. I hope I don't let them down.

3. Do you realize that in changing companies you may be able to increase your income by 40 to 50 percent though that is unlikely to happen while moving up in one company? Makes sense, sometimes. Much of what Miller talks about seems to apply to work that's related to a product, a specified outcome. The work I've currently chosen is more of a service. I work for a not-for-profit preschool. My wage is paid by children's tuition and fundraising. Ugh.

4. What are the guidelines for how much is reasonable? What is fair? Is it always reasonable to ask for more?
Prickly question. Employers want to pay the lowest amount possible, while employees want to make the highest amount possible. And I want to please my employer, but I want to make as much as possible. Miller elaborates that compensation isn't always monetary: perhaps your employer pays the lease on your brand new BMW or offers childcare, life insurance, gym membership, etc. One of the perks of my current job is free pizza on Friday; one of the perks of my new job is free twice-monthly yoga. Guidelines on "how much is reasonable? Fair? More?" I don't know.

5. Read Matthew 20:1–15. How does this parable fit what you’ve learned?

1 “For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire workers for his vineyard. 2 He agreed to pay them a denarius[a] for the day and sent them into his vineyard.
3 “About nine in the morning he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. 4 He told them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’ 5 So they went.

“He went out again about noon and about three in the afternoon and did the same thing. 6 About five in the afternoon he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, ‘Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?’

7 “‘Because no one has hired us,’ they answered.

“He said to them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard.’

8 “When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’

9 “The workers who were hired about five in the afternoon came and each received a denarius. 10 So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. 11 When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. 12 ‘These who were hired last worked only one hour,’ they said, ‘and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.’

13 “But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? 14 Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. 15 Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’

I'm too tired to think of this. Maybe later.

6. What would you do if you tripled your current income? What could you offer that would merit that? I'd quit working. I'd write stories for myself. I'd make bottle cap crafts and knit all the time. I'd play with the kids when I wanted to and quit when I felt like it.