(Currently I'm listening to an audiobook recording of Jane Eyre. Charlotte Bronte uses the word "tumult" often, much as Jesus is quoted by Matthew as saying "truly I tell you".)
Truly I tell you, much has transpired over the course of the past four days. I am but a twig on the shoulders of a mighty river.
Thursday
I awoke at 3:48 am to the sound of rushing outside. I thought a strong wind was blowing, but when I peaked through the blinds I saw torrential rain falling. We hadn't had rain in something like 83 days. Mother Nature's tempest took me totally by surprise in portentous fashion. In just 45 minutes I would leave the house to pick up my estranged husband so I could drop him off at the airport with my son for a 12 day trip to the Midwest. I'd never before been separated from Jack for so long. Wednesday night I eased him through a solid half hour of crying big big tears, wailing that he wants me to go with them, he doesn't want to leave me, please can I come, please can he stay. It took every bit of my considerable will to soothe him without sobbing myself.
So I woke him, and dressed him smartly, and bundled him through the downpour to the car. We picked up DH, drove to the airport, and they immediately boarded their flight to Chicago on standby status.
And just like that I sat at Starbucks alone. Went home and took a nap. Learned through a colleague's shifty facebook wall post to the preschool director that I could expect the long-anticipated NAEYC reaccreditation visit on Friday. There were some rumblings at work but no sense detailing them here. I'm almost done there.
Friday
Rode my bike to work, where the NAEYC accreditor's visit had the teachers' full attention, and the kids were running wild. The afternoon was excruciating, but mercifully all children were picked up before 5:00 and I was able to go for a bike ride before meeting Mom and Mandy's family at Red Lobster for dinner.
Locked my keys in my car but managed to enjoy dinner anyway.
Mom drove me home to get the valet key I have now tucked into my wallet as an effort to safeguard against locking my keys in my car again. She stayed in the car while I retrieved my key. She'd been talking to Dad on her cell when I got back to the car. "So," she said. "Are you moving to Illinois with your sister?"
"I don't know. Is she moving?" I'd heard talk, but nothing definite.
Mom told me what my brother-in-law had recounted to her before dinner. Before I got there. Sounded way more definite than any talk I'd heard before.
If my sister moves away, there will be a giant black hole in my universe. It will take all of my considerable will to keep from getting sucked into its depths of darkness.
I'm simply devastated by this revelation and haven't been able to talk about it with my sister. I can't move. Not with a new job starting Tuesday, a pending bankruptcy, a pending divorce, a lease until January. My entire support network in Tucson. My mom just 100 miles away.
I cried. A lot. Pretty much cried myself into a stupor. Then I went to bed and got up the next morning.
Saturday
Mom went with me to pick up my Bountiful Basket early in the morning. We had breakfast at my favorite: Son's Bakery and Cafe. We shopped at Grocery Outlet. Went back to the apartment. Picked up my sister, leaving my BIL with the boys and keys to my apartment. Did some thrifting, ate some sushi. Carefully avoided any conversation about The Move. More thrifting, a bead store, Safeway, Starbucks. Swimming. Dinner. Then it was time for everyone to go.
And I found myself alone, again.
Most of the time, that's OK. But in my current fragile state, I had sense enough to realize that it wasn't OK now. So I went to bed.
Sunday
Rode my bike to church. Sang in the summer choir. After church, rode to Barnes & Noble, where I spent an end-of-the-year teacher gift card on Moleskines and drawing pencils. Sat at the cafe there and filled out my paperwork for Second Street and wrote in my journal. Stopped at Trader Joe's on the way home for salad ingredients. stopped at Sabino Cycles to ask for a shifter adjustment. They were very nice there. Spent the afternoon/evening at my friend Karen's house for a BBQ. Barely spent an hour all by myself.
Monday
I started the day walking around the park with Ana, talking about her recent backpack trip to Zion and her pending trip to visit her sisters in Oregon. We talked and talked and I needed that badly. Afterwards I cooled off in the pool (because it's already hot and humid today because of last night's rain) then sat poolside with fruit, coffee, and a book. I've been messing around for the last three hours and realize I need to get out again.
Going to my sister's so we can talk.
And cry.
Truly I tell you, much has transpired over the course of the past four days. I am but a twig on the shoulders of a mighty river.
Thursday
I awoke at 3:48 am to the sound of rushing outside. I thought a strong wind was blowing, but when I peaked through the blinds I saw torrential rain falling. We hadn't had rain in something like 83 days. Mother Nature's tempest took me totally by surprise in portentous fashion. In just 45 minutes I would leave the house to pick up my estranged husband so I could drop him off at the airport with my son for a 12 day trip to the Midwest. I'd never before been separated from Jack for so long. Wednesday night I eased him through a solid half hour of crying big big tears, wailing that he wants me to go with them, he doesn't want to leave me, please can I come, please can he stay. It took every bit of my considerable will to soothe him without sobbing myself.
So I woke him, and dressed him smartly, and bundled him through the downpour to the car. We picked up DH, drove to the airport, and they immediately boarded their flight to Chicago on standby status.
And just like that I sat at Starbucks alone. Went home and took a nap. Learned through a colleague's shifty facebook wall post to the preschool director that I could expect the long-anticipated NAEYC reaccreditation visit on Friday. There were some rumblings at work but no sense detailing them here. I'm almost done there.
Friday
Rode my bike to work, where the NAEYC accreditor's visit had the teachers' full attention, and the kids were running wild. The afternoon was excruciating, but mercifully all children were picked up before 5:00 and I was able to go for a bike ride before meeting Mom and Mandy's family at Red Lobster for dinner.
Locked my keys in my car but managed to enjoy dinner anyway.
Mom drove me home to get the valet key I have now tucked into my wallet as an effort to safeguard against locking my keys in my car again. She stayed in the car while I retrieved my key. She'd been talking to Dad on her cell when I got back to the car. "So," she said. "Are you moving to Illinois with your sister?"
"I don't know. Is she moving?" I'd heard talk, but nothing definite.
Mom told me what my brother-in-law had recounted to her before dinner. Before I got there. Sounded way more definite than any talk I'd heard before.
If my sister moves away, there will be a giant black hole in my universe. It will take all of my considerable will to keep from getting sucked into its depths of darkness.
I'm simply devastated by this revelation and haven't been able to talk about it with my sister. I can't move. Not with a new job starting Tuesday, a pending bankruptcy, a pending divorce, a lease until January. My entire support network in Tucson. My mom just 100 miles away.
I cried. A lot. Pretty much cried myself into a stupor. Then I went to bed and got up the next morning.
Saturday
Mom went with me to pick up my Bountiful Basket early in the morning. We had breakfast at my favorite: Son's Bakery and Cafe. We shopped at Grocery Outlet. Went back to the apartment. Picked up my sister, leaving my BIL with the boys and keys to my apartment. Did some thrifting, ate some sushi. Carefully avoided any conversation about The Move. More thrifting, a bead store, Safeway, Starbucks. Swimming. Dinner. Then it was time for everyone to go.
And I found myself alone, again.
Most of the time, that's OK. But in my current fragile state, I had sense enough to realize that it wasn't OK now. So I went to bed.
Sunday
Rode my bike to church. Sang in the summer choir. After church, rode to Barnes & Noble, where I spent an end-of-the-year teacher gift card on Moleskines and drawing pencils. Sat at the cafe there and filled out my paperwork for Second Street and wrote in my journal. Stopped at Trader Joe's on the way home for salad ingredients. stopped at Sabino Cycles to ask for a shifter adjustment. They were very nice there. Spent the afternoon/evening at my friend Karen's house for a BBQ. Barely spent an hour all by myself.
Monday
I started the day walking around the park with Ana, talking about her recent backpack trip to Zion and her pending trip to visit her sisters in Oregon. We talked and talked and I needed that badly. Afterwards I cooled off in the pool (because it's already hot and humid today because of last night's rain) then sat poolside with fruit, coffee, and a book. I've been messing around for the last three hours and realize I need to get out again.
Going to my sister's so we can talk.
And cry.
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