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sick and tired

Same morning. Same songs. Same route. I've been thinking about body image, health, and media sabotage; personal goals or lack thereof; negative versus positive energy. I've been channeling way more negative energy than positive energy. Rather than bitch about it, which is what I'd planned on doing, I'm instead allowing that negative energy to attract its opposite. Like the monsoon thunderheads rolling in from the northeast, I feel that positive energy on the horizon.

Maybe it's just lightning and thunder. Maybe it's the climactic change that ends the drought.

first
Each morning on my walk I think to myself, "I could walk forever." But I don't. I walk my usual 2 miles and then go home, park myself in front of the computer, and fritter away 20 minutes or more playing "just one more round" of Pathwords. So I'm gonna walk. Today I walked 2.04 miles. Tomorrow I'll walk 3.5 miles. Gradually I'll build to 10 miles or so, time allowing, of course, until one Saturday morning I'll walk to my sister's house (16.7 miles). Maybe one day (or three) I'll walk to my parents' house (138 miles). Don't freak out, Mom. It's just a crazy hair.

second
I don't feel good about my body. I often feel powerless around food. My BMI edges toward overweight for my height. I eat a lot of junk, often without thinking about it. I'm making a sincere effort to stay away from processed and instead eat real food. See what happens.

in conclusion
I could just be feeling crummy. Maybe when the moon wanes, when my hormones cycle back to normalcy, when I no longer have all these kids in my house and I'm able to jump in the car and go somewhere whenever I please... maybe I'll feel better then. Maybe I don't do any of this stuff.

Maybe I do.

Comments

auntie m said…
I always say that I could walk forever and some day want to walk the 21 miles around Grand Island. Maybe this will be the summer that I do it.
Ana said…
I love your openness; you are right on about all of it.
Great goals. Let me know how I can support you.
Loves.

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wotd: temporize

temporize \TEM-puh-ryz\, intransitive verb:
1. To be indecisive or evasive in order to gain time or delay action.
2. To comply with the time or occasion; to yield to prevailing opinion or circumstances.
3. To engage in discussions or negotiations so as to gain time (usually followed by 'with').
4. To come to terms (usually followed by 'with').

It's easy to tell yourself that you'll write a daily blog entry using the word of the day from dictionary(dot)com as a prompt, and equally easy to temporize your daily entry by waffling over what to write about, or evading your obligation by procrastination. There. Bedtime.

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40 observations on the eve before my 40th birthday

Indulge me! In no particular order:

1. I love making pinatas. I've made a pinata for Jack's birthday for the last five years. The Death Star, a jellyfish from Spongebob, Patrick Star from Spongebob, Plankton from Spongebob, and just this year King Pig from Angry Birds. I've been commissioned by a friend to produce another Angry Birds Pig pinata for her son's birthday. I'm gonna do it.

2. Right now three of my ten fingers hurt when I type. I don't bite my nails (unless one is already broken) but I do pick and pull at my cuticles. I've developed acute paronychia, a bacterial infection, at those three finger tips. The one that hurts the most is my right thumb. Space bar hell. I've done this to myself since childhood. When I'm pulling and nipping at a hangnail, I know it's going to hurt but I go ahead and do it anyway.

3. I consider myself substantial: in body and in mind. I am robust. I have zeal. I just don't have any confidence.

4. My brain stop…